At night, when Taps is playing and all is quiet, my heart still belongs to you...

I cannot even believe how fast time has gone! Michael is set to graduate boot camp this month, and then who knows where he (and us!) will go from there. I am so so so proud of him -- it's almost hard to put into words, but I will try. I can't wait to see him, and see the confidence that has exuded from his letters, into his voice on the phone. I want to tell him that I appreciate him for being such a great provider for our family. I want to tell him that I love him. I can't wait to hear of his experiences when we are by ourselves and he knows he can speak freely. I want to wrap my arms around him and feel him squeeze me -- twice -- as he always does right before he stops hugging me. It's always been "our" thing and I have missed it! I want to see how his walk has changed; everybody's does in the military, and for good reason. I want to see his sure step. I want to see the look on his face when he sees Evelia, and how much she has changed in nearly three months. I have lost a little bit of weight, so I am curious if he will notice haha. Guess we will see. I'm nervous, on another token, to see just how much he has changed! I know that he has, and I am excited and nervous to see the difference in him. However, as my aunt so elegantly put it, "He will have changed, that's something that you definitely know. But, you also know something else for sure, too. He'll still have the same great smile that made you fall in love with him." That's one thing that is so nice to know for certain! I want to look in his eyes and tell him I love him, it's not the same as writing it in a letter. Although, one positive is that writing each other letters has helped our communication skills. He's much more open about his feelings, as am I, and perhaps this is because we now know how to more effectively communicate. It's a work in progress -- and probably always will be!

I am looking forward to a good night's sleep -- I haven't slept well since Mammy passed away, for various reasons, and then with Michael being gone it is something I have not quite adjusted to yet ... how to sleep when the one you love isn't beside you. It's getting better, slowly but surely I suppose.

Being away from Michael has taught me to rely on myself more than I have had to before. It's showed me just how truly lucky I am to have married into a wonderful, crazy, big, loyal, loving, fun family. Not everyone is so lucky. They have called, texted and emailed me just to "check in", and it's a nice reminder that I don't walk through this world alone. Being away from Michael has made me realize just how strong single parents need to be, because they can't give the baby to their spouse when they want and/or need to walk away for a moment. It's showed me that while I love my cats, I almost love them more now because they seem "sad" some days, especially Percy. He will still sleep on Michael's side of the bed if he sneaks into our bedroom (the cats aren't allowed in the bedrooms). It shows me that cats aren't dumb, even though some people say dogs are smarter than cats. I think they are each smart in their own ways. Being away from Michael has made me realize that me nit-picking about his constant video gaming was perhaps a small battle that I didn't need to choose. Could he have played it less? Yes. Could I have said less? Yes. But, it's sure quiet around here at night due to no siren or video game noises. And I don't like it. I've gotten used to it, I suppose, but it isn't the same. Being alone has made me value my marriage all that much more. Being married can be a struggle, and some days it feels like you are running on a hamster wheel. There are days when you just need to hold on and ride the waves. Marriage is sometimes difficult, but in my experience so far (almost 2 years), it's well worth it. I can't wait for the next sixty.

I know that Michael probably will not read this (if ever?), but if he ever did, I'd want him to know that he healed my heart and taught me that forgiveness is about love. I used to think that any man of mine had to live up to a list of my expectations. I was so wrong. Love has no list. He is the beam in my smile. The catch in my breath. The reason my stomach tumbles over itself and why I sometimes lie awake at night just to look at him.

One of my most favorite books is The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran. If you haven't added it to your reading list yet, I strongly suggest that you do. While I do not own this book (I don't know how I don't!), it is probably one of my most inspirational books I've ever read. There is a particular quote in there that I believe speaks to marriage, to relationships, and the interaction in both. It says, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”
― Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

Isn't that quote just wonderful? It says so much.

In a letter Michael wrote to me, he said, "Being here at boot camp has made me realize how much I appreciate you not just being my wife, but also as a person. You are a good person with a giving heart that sometimes gives too much. Perhaps if you didn't, you wouldn't be you. I miss you and your warmth - both physically and emotionally. Being here has made me realize that I shouldn't, and can't, take my family for granted. Perhaps that's a positive in this whole experience. Regardless, I can't believe I'm as lucky as I am that you're "mine." All mine for the rest of my life, you are stuck with me. Seriously, honey, I love you. Best decision I ever made was to marry you. Second decision was to have our baby, and third decision would be to enter the military. I couldn't have done it without you and your support. Thank you."

I couldn't have done it without him, either. I'm glad he's by my side, "stuck with me" for a very very long time. I really am lucky to have such an amazing husband. I can't forget it.

And the count down begins.

Hello, hello!

First things first, it's June 19th, my cousin Chris's (through marriage) birthday! Happy Happy Birthday, Chris! I'm proud to know you, happy to see what you've done with your career that you love, and that you're an amazing husband and father to Christan and the boys. I appreciate having you in my life. I'm so blessed. :)

These next six months will change my life, I hope, for the better. So many things are happening -- and so fast -- it feels like I am on automatic pilot most of the time. So, what do I see for the next six months of the year?

E and I are thinking about moving
Hubby and I will celebrate 2 years of marriage in October
Lot's of pool, bonfire, gardening time
BBQ's and outdoor fun
Hanging out with what friends I can and am able to this summer, since next summer will be a whole new ball game
Hot weather, and cool summer nights
A final family trip to Maryland to see dear friends of ours before Hubby leaves
Hubby and I will celebrate nearly 3 years of being together in December
Searching out daycares for the baby
Hoping I can find a job -- two interviews this week. However, nervous about leaving said jobs once we get orders .... I feel so stuck between a rock and a hard place about this.
Lot's of pumpkin filled recipes
My favorite season: Fall!
My favorite eating holiday; Thanksgiving!
LARAC festival in Glens Falls
Snow day's, and sparkly nights
Counting down to Christmas
Peppermint Hot Chocolate
Christmas day surrounded by family, I hope.
Anxiously awaiting the ball dropping on 2013

Over the next two months, E and I will prepare to say goodbye to "Our Main Guy" as he gets ready to ship out. We will also be preparing for the changes in living situations/jobs/life in general. There is a lot to look forward to for the rest of 2012, no matter how nerve-wracking it actually is. I actually didn't think about it until I made that list. It makes me smile to think of all the things we will get to do it in the coming months.

As for the seeing myself for the rest of the year. I see myself breaking down having to say goodbye. I see myself breaking down over having to leave E with a babysitter if I get a job. I see myself breaking down over leaving everyone, pretty much, that I've known for something new and fresh. But, I see myself being happy and full of life. I see so many things to look forward to, so many happy memories to be made. I see lot's of love and laughter, lot's of happy tears, and lot's of joy.

Always be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle.

Hello hello! Seriously, I probably should not even have a blog anymore since I am always forgetting to update it -- however, I do enjoy writing. Promise -- so here's a few updates. :-) We are now 5 days away from my Mother's Day vacation to Florida with Evelia, and I absolutely cannot wait!!!!!!! It has been way too long in coming, that's for sure. I haven't even seen my stepdad since last July when my parents moved to Florida, and that's a long time. We will be there until nearly the last week of May. It will be a good "break" away from New York, too. Life has been so stressful financially, physically, just about in every way possible. It's crappy. :( I wanted to do something fun while I'm in Florida, but I doubt Evelia will remember Disney World (not to mention it's like 8 hours away from my parents' house), so I'm looking around for fun things to do in Southwest Florida. I'm thinking maybe a nature preserve or something like that. I know Fort Myers has some good shopping outlets, but those are only fun if one actually has money to spend, you know? I can't believe its my first Mother's Day this year!! It's truly surreal. I don't think it's quite hit me yet. I'm excited, though. I already got my mom her Mother's Day present, and am waiting until I get to Florida to add the second part of her gift. It's small, but I think that it will be appreciated, and even funny in a way. :-) I finally got a new phone!!! I still have the same number (why change it, and I finally have it memorized). I know that we will be leaving the 518 this year, but I see no reason to change my area code, since really this is where I am from. I can see it creating potential problems for job interviews in different states, but I'm sure that could probably be explained. It's so nice to have a phone where the front buttons work! On my old phone, the numbers 5, 2, 3, 1, and 0 had stopped working, which meant that in order to make a call using those numbers, I had to open my phone and dial said number. Also, when I opened the phone and hit "send", I couldn't close the phone to talk on it since it would drop the call, and so I had no choice but to use speaker phone, and this was quite grainy-sounding and resulted in quite poor sound quality. So needless to say, my new phone is a blessing to me. I already love it. It's not fancy, it doesn't have internet, but it does the job for me and what we use our phones for, it's perfect! We renewed our cell phone contract, so now we are with Verizon til 2014. It has great nation-wide coverage, which will be great when we move, and we were happy with the plan that we are on. Granted, I'm sure there are cheaper phones and cell phone providers out there, but right now we have decided, "why fix what's not broke?" If anyone has my number, feel free to text me, and I'll gladly respond. :-) Michael and I have really been trying to strengthen our lives and our marriage in a variety of ways. One of these ways is to incorporate a "family fitness day". So far this consists of going to Congress Park or Spa State Park and walking/jogging with the baby. Michael wants to lose about twenty more pounds before he leaves in August (My God its coming up faster than I'd like!!), and I've gained about 8 pounds of my baby weight back since I have stopped breast-feeding. I would like to lose about twenty to thirty pounds as well. One of the ways that I am considering losing weight is by doing the South Beach Diet. However, I think that I am more comfortable with the idea of cutting down the number of carbs that I eat, rather than eating none at all. Yes, carbs stick to you and turn into sugar, but it also gives you energy. I think that it would be fine in small amounts. Besides, I don't think that I could just quit it cold turkey. I've been doing better with caffeine consumption, too. I've managed to cut out the sugar in my coffee and have just been using creamer to taste. I'm aware, a ton of calories, but I hate black coffee with a passion. Like, seriously, it's tar to me. Blech!! My husband leaves in exactly 100 days. 100 days. That's just .... mind-blowing to me. I've been trying to mentally prepare myself, but I know that I can't. We're trying to save as much money as we can before he leaves since there will still be bills to pay (oh joy). We're also trying to pay down a few things so there's "one less" of items that I will have to pay while he's gone. I worry that I will break down when he does leave. I worry my cats will freak out and start having bad behaviors, Perseus is very attached to Michael, me too, but he has cuddle sessions with him all of the time. He won't really cuddle with me unless he feels like it. Dyson doesn't really care to be cuddled, and just enjoys being very vocal and telling me about every buggie he finds in the window and freaks out trying to get. He loves Evelia, and will touch his nose to hers. Percy likes her, but not when she cries - then he leaves the room. :-) I worry our daughter won't remember him while he's gone, and that when we go to graduation she will have a nervous crying fit. I know there are pictures. I know there is repetition. However, she'll be 5.5 months when he leaves, and like 7 months when they meet again. I'm nervous. Sad, in a way, too, that he will miss out on that time of development with her....but the thought of our family, our future because of this new endeavor, and the pride in my husband's voice when he speaks of new adventures, training, and milestones he reaches to accomplish, it over-rides all of that. I want it for our family. I want it for my husband. I want it for myself. I guess it's just like how kids don't come with instruction manuals, neither does military life. On the job front, I have all but given up. I'm still subbing (just got cleared finally about two weeks ago to start work again), but am trying to find a job for when June is over with. With Michael's current work schedule, I can only work Mon-Wed as it is, and that's if he doesn't have scheduled over-time on those days. In June, the school year will be out until September. That's an entire summer that I will need to be doing something for income. I have sent my resume to a variety of places (well over 40), and have only had 3 phone calls back, two jobs that I couldn't set up an interview in the time frame they wanted due to not having child care. I'm ready to scream. With everything, I must remember that I'm blessed, even with friends few and far between. C'est la vie. PS: I can't figure out the spacing on this new blog interface, so everything is all clumped together. If you've actually read this, kudos. And, a photo to make you smile.

She's Arrived :-)

Introducing to the "blogging" world for the first time --

Evelia Marie Jones
02/21/2012
6 lbs, 3.6 oz
8:32 pm

After about 18 hours of labor with an epidural, and then an un-expected c-section, Evelia arrived into our arms screaming loudly after being delivered. My life has changed SO INCREDIBLY MUCH in the last 2 weeks, and I wouldn't change any of it (except maybe sleeping more and sore nipples haha). I didn't think I could love Michael any more than I already did until Evelia was born, and seeing him become a Dad has been nothing short of amazing. Our families' love for Evelia knows no boundaries -- already -- and this is one loved little girl from all sides and walks of life. It makes me smile just thinking about it. I'm here recovering from said c-section (I miss driving and vacuuming!!), but we are all healthy, happy, and healthy, and that, my friends, is what truly matters in this world.

Pregnancy Survey....why not? :)

How far along are you? 27 weeks tomorrow (11/21/11). One more week and I'll be in my 3rd (and final!) trimester.

Total weight gain: 12 lbs. I feel bigger now than I have this entire pregnancy...and it will most likely keep going up from there, but I'm really going to try hard to not go over 25-30 lbs.

How big is baby?: 2 pounds, 3 ounces, and about 15 inches long.

Maternity clothes: Oh, yes. I love them!!! A lot of my tops, I can fit into, because they're large or stretchy anyhow, but I'm definitely in maternity pants. I want to get one more pair of maternity jeans, that way I have two, and I don't need to wash them every day.

Stretch marks?: One medium-sized one on my stomach, and 2 very light ones on my sides. Using lotion every night.

Sleep?: What is this sleep that you speak of? I'm lucky to average five hours now. I definitely can't sleep through the night anymore. I suppose I'm getting prepared for when she bursts into our lives in February. :)

Best moment this week?: When Aerosmith's song "I Don't Want to Miss A Thing" came on the radio, and baby girl was just dancin' away.

Movement?: A majority of the day she will be moving all around, particularly if I change position, if there is music playing, or her dad and I are talking. If I make HER space smaller by attempting to bend over or squat, she lets me know she's not happy.

Food cravings?: Peanut butter and apple slices, celery and peanut butter, eggs and toast. Oh, and cheese!!! Any kind, it doesn't matter. I love cheese.

Food aversions?: Anything with too much seasoning, garlic, onions, etc really makes my stomach turn. I love that stuff normally!

Labor signs?: Let's hope not! I'm at exactly the point where I was born three months too early, and I've already had a chat with this little one and told her she needs to stay inside and bake.

Belly button in or out?: In and I'm hoping it doesn't pop out!

What I miss: Feeling good & energetic everyday. I also miss a good night's sleep.

What I'm looking forward to: Getting her room all set up - its a very slow process....and my next ultrasound on the 29th. :)

Milestone: 13 weeks to go!

AND WE ARE.....

TEAM PINK!!!

Our families and ourselves are completely over the moon, and so so very excited. A lot of people in Michael's family wanted a girl, because they had a lot of boys already. I went through this entire pregnancy so far thinking that I was having a boy, so when the ultrasound tech said, "Do you want to know the sex?" and Michael and I said "yes" in unison, and the tech says, "Well, you might want to backtrack since you just called her a him. It's definitely not a him. It's a girl!" I was so shocked I cried. Haha...must not have known how much I did want a girl until it actually happened. This pregnancy is going amazing so far, I'm soooo happy to be out of the first trimester and halfway through the second! I'll be 18 weeks on Tuesday.

Michael got seasonal work at Quad Graphics, and I'm part-time at Bruegger's Bagels in addition to subbing to try and bring in a little extra money; things are definitely strapped but I am hoping for a change while my thinking-positive husband says there WILL be a change in things soon. We had debated on moving for cheaper places, but we think we will stay here til he gets in and gets orders, and whenever that happens, I'll go where he is. It's a nice area, it's close to what we know, it's a safe neighborhood and we've never had any problems with the apartment. The rent will be increasing, but we'll figure out that as it comes.

I know I haven't posted in forever!! I'm so sorry - sometimes I just can't post because I feel I have nothing to say, even though in reality my brain is like wheels turning back and forth all the time.

Secret's Out :)

I couldn't decide when I wanted to make this news public, but I've decided I don't want to wait anymore. We're expecting a baby, due Feb 2012. Definitely a surprise, but still a blessing just the same! Now I can truly understand and appreciate all the other Mama's that are bloggers. :)