At night, when Taps is playing and all is quiet, my heart still belongs to you...

I cannot even believe how fast time has gone! Michael is set to graduate boot camp this month, and then who knows where he (and us!) will go from there. I am so so so proud of him -- it's almost hard to put into words, but I will try. I can't wait to see him, and see the confidence that has exuded from his letters, into his voice on the phone. I want to tell him that I appreciate him for being such a great provider for our family. I want to tell him that I love him. I can't wait to hear of his experiences when we are by ourselves and he knows he can speak freely. I want to wrap my arms around him and feel him squeeze me -- twice -- as he always does right before he stops hugging me. It's always been "our" thing and I have missed it! I want to see how his walk has changed; everybody's does in the military, and for good reason. I want to see his sure step. I want to see the look on his face when he sees Evelia, and how much she has changed in nearly three months. I have lost a little bit of weight, so I am curious if he will notice haha. Guess we will see. I'm nervous, on another token, to see just how much he has changed! I know that he has, and I am excited and nervous to see the difference in him. However, as my aunt so elegantly put it, "He will have changed, that's something that you definitely know. But, you also know something else for sure, too. He'll still have the same great smile that made you fall in love with him." That's one thing that is so nice to know for certain! I want to look in his eyes and tell him I love him, it's not the same as writing it in a letter. Although, one positive is that writing each other letters has helped our communication skills. He's much more open about his feelings, as am I, and perhaps this is because we now know how to more effectively communicate. It's a work in progress -- and probably always will be!

I am looking forward to a good night's sleep -- I haven't slept well since Mammy passed away, for various reasons, and then with Michael being gone it is something I have not quite adjusted to yet ... how to sleep when the one you love isn't beside you. It's getting better, slowly but surely I suppose.

Being away from Michael has taught me to rely on myself more than I have had to before. It's showed me just how truly lucky I am to have married into a wonderful, crazy, big, loyal, loving, fun family. Not everyone is so lucky. They have called, texted and emailed me just to "check in", and it's a nice reminder that I don't walk through this world alone. Being away from Michael has made me realize just how strong single parents need to be, because they can't give the baby to their spouse when they want and/or need to walk away for a moment. It's showed me that while I love my cats, I almost love them more now because they seem "sad" some days, especially Percy. He will still sleep on Michael's side of the bed if he sneaks into our bedroom (the cats aren't allowed in the bedrooms). It shows me that cats aren't dumb, even though some people say dogs are smarter than cats. I think they are each smart in their own ways. Being away from Michael has made me realize that me nit-picking about his constant video gaming was perhaps a small battle that I didn't need to choose. Could he have played it less? Yes. Could I have said less? Yes. But, it's sure quiet around here at night due to no siren or video game noises. And I don't like it. I've gotten used to it, I suppose, but it isn't the same. Being alone has made me value my marriage all that much more. Being married can be a struggle, and some days it feels like you are running on a hamster wheel. There are days when you just need to hold on and ride the waves. Marriage is sometimes difficult, but in my experience so far (almost 2 years), it's well worth it. I can't wait for the next sixty.

I know that Michael probably will not read this (if ever?), but if he ever did, I'd want him to know that he healed my heart and taught me that forgiveness is about love. I used to think that any man of mine had to live up to a list of my expectations. I was so wrong. Love has no list. He is the beam in my smile. The catch in my breath. The reason my stomach tumbles over itself and why I sometimes lie awake at night just to look at him.

One of my most favorite books is The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran. If you haven't added it to your reading list yet, I strongly suggest that you do. While I do not own this book (I don't know how I don't!), it is probably one of my most inspirational books I've ever read. There is a particular quote in there that I believe speaks to marriage, to relationships, and the interaction in both. It says, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”
― Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

Isn't that quote just wonderful? It says so much.

In a letter Michael wrote to me, he said, "Being here at boot camp has made me realize how much I appreciate you not just being my wife, but also as a person. You are a good person with a giving heart that sometimes gives too much. Perhaps if you didn't, you wouldn't be you. I miss you and your warmth - both physically and emotionally. Being here has made me realize that I shouldn't, and can't, take my family for granted. Perhaps that's a positive in this whole experience. Regardless, I can't believe I'm as lucky as I am that you're "mine." All mine for the rest of my life, you are stuck with me. Seriously, honey, I love you. Best decision I ever made was to marry you. Second decision was to have our baby, and third decision would be to enter the military. I couldn't have done it without you and your support. Thank you."

I couldn't have done it without him, either. I'm glad he's by my side, "stuck with me" for a very very long time. I really am lucky to have such an amazing husband. I can't forget it.